All the drafts I've started daily-ish have all been nixed, scrubbed, rubbed out. I started this route the 10th but lost my tranny somewhere between spirit and spunk. Well let me just say say... I'm a piece of shit. Now you may take this in a negative connotation so let me elaborate.
Pardon my vulgarity as I may have a sailor's mouth in person, my script likes to believe it attended finishing school. I said SHIT. I wanted to believe that for 8 years I had been mourning the loss of my mother and poor me it ruined my birthday too. I came to this Epiphany while oddly working a normally scheduled day off and talking with an intriguing co-worker - bless her soul who tried giving me some purify your soul lesson. But here's a secret most people don't know about me.... I'm very gullible and probably more emotionally sensitive than a teenager on her 10th crush of the week.
Go back to focus: gullible - so I listen to her go on virtually 8 hours about negativity and how it affects us and ways to change that. Two things I suck at: NOT being negative and change. I know those of you that know me are off to find ways to thaw out Hades for admitting that (and for that I thank you in the event I need an alternate pathway later). So gullible, negative Julie said "let's start with January". No hogwash about new year's resolutions cause everyone breaks them but creates them for a comforting hypothesis to rest your upcoming failures upon when we drink away the old year December 31st (see...). January having 3 of my most heartwrenching losses: my mother, my birthday (review dry blog post day 1) and one that I discuss with very few but for today's lesson will refer to as loss of my candle (psych majors, stop trying to analyze it as it's carefully been twisted into a tricky non metaphor - I.e. First object I saw). Hence, bringing to fruition the basis for these "blogs".
This was originally idealized to celebrate my mother and my life hopefully separating any negative associations between my mother's passing and my birthday, which I'm told should be celebrated (birthday of course). Since the week of Christmas I have been jotting down memories of my mother and birthday memories to share with the world... Pass it on. DULL.... For those of you that have talked to me for 24 hours may have heard half these stories already due to my extremely short list of memories I seemed to have maintained in that cavity of my cranium. They had no no "self therapy" or discovery about them. So I do what I do best and quit, lazy Julie, shortcoming #284.
Days passed and so fond memories passed, many like a flasher on a unicycle (some hilarious, some disturbing, some strangely exciting). D-day came... A blessing in disguise - 2 infants wrapped in swaddling.... Back the horse up! A BFFL gave birth to her healthy twins Caidence and Carter. First tears shed this January: chalk one up for joy, 0 for sadness. YAY ME! Day, day, day... January 15th - loss of candle day... Come, gone, enjoyable in it's plethora of chaos - still no tears. Still getting to the piece of shit part.
Due to more flaws I possess; poor listening and communication skills, issues expressing emotions and pure, unrefined feelings among some other 10-15 crazy Julie flaws, I suddenly became a soaked, bumbling baffoon. Basically I screwed up something and the consequences were heavy. Not getting into that... Back to focus: I found my right frame of mind to write deep, hopefully entertaining, muck that'll stick to your boots and tear you down like a field of barbed wire. But in my irrational state the magic of the past few weeks' work can finally be collected, processed and unveiled!
#1. Change my negative grieving habits for my mother - mission accomplished.
- Coping method... Leave it to the news to remind me of all the depressing stuff. I hate watching news... Change the news to good deeds and stories to make you chuckle (although I work for a TV provider I found it way too much work to re-write hundreds of thousands of daily news reports - I'm lazy and had Writer's block duh)! Retreat to that little cozy island in my head nestled in the Pacific I called Kiniville and waded in some pools of fresh lumpia by mom, with haindpainted frosting sunsets created by mom and other tantalizing and terrifying sceneries and delicacies (if you've heard the stories or knew her, you're laughing your okole off right now).
-to Date, mission accomplished!
#2. Task: work on the birthday issues...
RED ALERT! I have no birthday issues! That was a figment of my creative mind tricking me into bottling up misery for my losses (yeah mom's viewing was on the 23rd, but as screwy as it may sound, in between the tears and chaos for those 2 weeks up to the funeral we had the best stories, jokes and laughs I'd had in a long time AND a lot of happy tonic alcohol).
Resolution: my issue isn't my birthday; I celebrate my mom by remembering good and bad but laughing at the tacky, find deeper issue. Why do I "want" misery?
WHAT??!!! I am crazy if I want this stuff.... Bringing full circle to me being a piece of shit. It's all about me. I'd been trying to focus energies to positives and not negatives but life hands us all so many gargantuos turds. What do most people do with them? Shuffle around and through them looking for that absolute Eureka moment, but we simply don't realize we're getting covered in filthy crap and being dirty makes us feel icky, and smelling icky makes those around us feel icky. How do I make my crap smell better and look less like a pile of dung?
Trick question: it's not all about Julie or who's dung doesn't smell because I've never seen nor heard of a piece of crap that didn't smell. They may smell and look different but in the end it's all just a bunch a processed toxic waste that your body can't handle - it's now crap!!! Nobody wants any but everybody has it if it's not properly dealt with makes living conditions unbearable for all.
Going forward- where did my crap come from? Break down the origins of my stinky byproduct. In a nutshell to reduce wasting eye water (no pity parties): divorce, feeling of failure in school, parenting and career, mama drama, family drama, bills, lack of sleep, not valuable leisure time, unproductive non-leisure time, poor listening, blah, blah. Simply put, I'm ok with me but did I really have to digest years of this? And how do I dispose of the waste that we all know as baggage. My kids are geniuses! They said, "mom, why don't we recycle?"! Lightbulb!!! Fertilizer!
Just like real life recycling, separate your garbage into categories. Mine: --disposable = (immediate negative crap I can disregard such as a simple blah or bad day or has no uses but builds up, can't be changed);
-remanufacturable = (experiences I can take and repackage to make valuable experiences and lessons - everything can be made a learning do or don't, can also be changing small things to cancel out an existing negative such as diet or laziness); and
-biodegradable = (experiences I can break down, use them to fertilize more positive resolutions such as why you do things that annoy yourself - laziness - change it and help others by fertilizing their life with your once crappy life lessons).
On a serious note, I can be a piece of wet steaming dookie. Honestly, tips to HORRIBLE parenting:
-Do NOT hug and comfort your kids. How will they get tough enough to deal with their own poo?
-DO yell at them for silly things kids just do or don't do right. This is corporate America 101 kids.
-Do NOT talk to them! They're creepy little midget versions of everyone you're related to!
I threw this book out! Guess what? Recyclable! It now reads:
-DO hug and comfort your children, while you're at it, friends and family and every 3rd stranger just for giggles.
-Do NOT yell at your kids - mostly because they don't hear that either.
-DO Talk to them like they're just creepy little midget versions of yourself (then its ok to "talk to yourself").
To call myself out I didn't do these well. Many of us were not taught these skills so I am passing this onto to you. NOT learning to talk and communicate could result in horribly catastrophic consequences and causing you to have smelly crap all around you... Ever smelled it on someone's shoes but could never find it? That's your queue to make a play date, maybe duke it out in a ring BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE THE ROTTEN POO OUTSIDE TO FERTILIZE A HEALTHIER YOU AND SANITARY HOME! It's not all about you; your crap doesn't smell any better than mine but I still wouldn't trade it for the world!
This, I feel, will likely be an early "I Quit" blog entry to my 23 Days of January. Unless I get bit by another rotten bug that leaves my sick mind to fester until it gushes out onto you unsuspecting people.
In honor of my birthday, starting Monday I will post a wonderful gift given to me on my regular posts. Thanks a googlplex to those of you who found the stomach and the stamina to join me on my trek and hopefully learned that it's never too late to unclutter your life.... Well, I suppose it can be but then it's called death and then everyone you know gets to fight over your clutter!
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