I'm sorry I didn't say I love you more and hug you more. I realize all too late how much you were hurting inside. There must've been so many times I pushed you away because I thought I could do everything on my own; "I'm a big girl now" is all I ever gave you. "I'll Do it all by myself" I said. And now I know I was asking too much...
But please don't hurt anymore or feel bad. I was blinded by my own wants just as I'm sure you were. All anyone ever hopes for is happiness and you searched high and low for it. If we both hadn't been so stubborn, maybe we would've realized all the happiness was in each other.
I know how your heart felt when you lost your one true love. If only I could've understood then. I know how you felt when you saw your father make his grand exit from this earth. If I could've understood that then. I know how you didn't want anyone to feel sorry for you or feel you weren't strong enough to make it through. Because, mom, I understand it all now and I am making a stand for both of us!
No one is strong enough to get through life alone, mend broken hearts alone, or be expected to "just move on" or "get over it". It takes many years sometimes to even realize that you're fighting a losing battle. All we can do is reach with all of our might to those that want to help pick us up when we fall and hold on tight when we do. Sometimes I feel like I just let go, didn't reach hard enough and for that, I'm sorry.
I'm told I'm just like you. I don't think that's so bad anymore. I do what I think is best for my children most of the time, although sometimes frustration causes me to lose focus. But what can one expect when everyone who tries to lessen the burden is pushed away. No, mom, I do not regret being like you in the slightest.
However, the difference is that hopefully I've come to understand and accept that life hands us mushrooms and it's our responsibility to make a gourmet meal from fungus. Otherwise, we begin to lose sight of what we already have that's valuable. It no longer becomes about what we HAVE lost but what we COULD lose.
I know you've been here in spirit, mom, trying to right what you feel you did wrong. But it's ok now. You can rest, go on in peace knowing I am not the strong bull I thought I once was and that I will not be alone anymore. Out of love and respect for you, mom, I owe it to you to jump having faith that there will always be someone there waiting to catch me. And if I think for a moment there was no one there, then I need to open my eyes and watch the next time I leap.
I forgive you for leaving early. I forgive you for not holding me enough. I hope you forgive me for making things harder for you and forgive me for trying to be the stronger bull. You can close your eyes now, mom. Sit atop the peaks of Pali and beaches of Ewa smelling the sweetness this world has left to offer.
Know that I am safe and God will take care of us both. And someday, when the time is right, I'll join you on that beach and we can hug each other for eternity and talk about everything we were afraid to. I know that you showed me the path to where I am now and, although not always in the pretty paper I'd envisioned it, I have found those that will fill that place for you.
I do pray that you feel no more pain, have all the love you never felt you had, and that you can be happy knowing that you gave me everything. Without you, I wouldn't be where I am (spiritually and physically) and can't begin to give you the thanks entitled but I've realized I should never assume that things are known and just don't need to be said.... Because they do. Thank you! I love you! I miss you! I wish you happiness, mom!
Love Always and Forever,
Your loving daughter,
Julie
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